Friday funnies

I was cleaning out my old e-mails and ran across this gem from last August. I thought I would pass it along on the first Friday of the year. Enjoy, or not?

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or was it twice?

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses side-saddle.

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man
who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?